


Tums

by irishlullaby13



Category: Sleepy Hollow (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Explicit Language, F/M, Slight Meta, pure unadulterated crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 11:43:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7506979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irishlullaby13/pseuds/irishlullaby13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While taking a small holiday in the Rockies, Team Witness are confronted by a supernatural being with a very... odd request.  Can they outsmart the obnoxious, fourth wall breaking faery whose sole ambition is to convince them to get it on?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tums

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was never really meant to see the light of day. It started as a little side fic I wrote on to try and help clear my head when my muses want to be stubborn. But, I was convinced that sharing it might be a good thing. So welcome to a very rare glimpse into what goes on in my head while I'm writing. Hopefully it will amuse and entertain you instead of frighten you.

Well wasn't this just icing on their already confusing and weird day.

They eyeballed the solitary bed in the suite then cast a glance at each other, hoping against all odds that the other had some logical explanation to this that didn't involve things that had transpired merely two hours earlier. Abbie was the first to look away, biting her bottom lip to keep from saying something.

There was no logical explanation, Crane reasoned. The only explanation was that blasted faery. She had warned them, hadn't she? That she had powers they couldn't conceive of. That was the only thing that could explain how their reservation for two rooms with one bed had accidentally been booked as a solitary suite with a bed and a hide away bed. 

Apparently, in addition to the mix up, every hotel and motel within driving distance was also booked up. Crane had watched Abbie pacing nervously outside, calling around to see if anyone within a twenty mile radius had rooms.

At the very least this suite they had been assigned to had a sofa with a fold out bed. He supposed that was a positive.

  
#  


_Two hours earlier..._

“ _Crane! Look out!_ ” Abbie shouted as a pedestrian stepped out into the interstate, arms flailing.

The options at the time were to swerve into a semi truck or swerve into the guard rail. The guard rail was obviously the safer choice. They had both been driving with only small naps, trying to reach their destination. So it was a miracle in and of itself that they actually stopped, completely out of traffic _and_ before hitting the guard rail.

That however did not seem to thwart the individual who was apparently hell bent on having physical contact with Abbie's SUV. No sooner than the vehicle came to a rest, the person leapt onto the hood—and having misjudged the curvature of the vehicle—promptly slid off whilst grasping for purchase.

Abbie closed her eyes and sighed. “Oh great,” she thought bitterly. “It's probably just some junkie tweaking. Stay here.”

“Absolutely not,” Crane huffed.

They both clamoured out of the SUV and slowly crept around to the front of the vehicle. There lay a young girl—she couldn't have been any older than 12—panting heavily. She tilted her head to look at Abbie then at Crane. “Oh thank the gods,” she sighed. “I thought I was going to have to come in after you.” She sat up and shook the dust and dirt out of her curly hair. “Urgh. That's going to take forever to get out.” When she stood she wagged a finger between the two of them. “You two are very hard to catch.”

She rolled her shoulders and cracked her neck. Then... unfurled opaque wings, not much different from those of a dragonfly.

“Oh God, really?” Abbie sighed. “Can we go _anywhere_ without something supernatural trying to hunt us down and kill us?”

“In answer to your query, Lieutenant,” Crane responded. “Evidentially we cannot.”

The faery held up her hands, eyes wide and frantic. “Whoa, whoa, whoa... not trying to kill you. _I swear_.”

“Ok, other than give us a damn heart attack, what are you trying to do?” Abbie asked, folding her arms over her chest.

“Hold on... it's been a while since I've had to actually give my speech...” The faery pulled a scroll from a place Crane didn't even want to fathom, unfurled it, and cleared her throat. “Greetings mortals, I am Tums the Faery.” She gave a quick, tiny curtsey then waved one hand dramatically as she continued. “One of the many, many fae from the kingdom of... fans...? What? Who the fuck translated this into English? You know what? I bet my sister, Kcarc, translated it after snorting too much faery dust. So, never mind. I'll just wing it.” She cleared her throat again, ripped the scroll into pieces and tossed the pieces into the air. The bits of paper dissolved in a glittery shimmer. “Long and short of it... I was summoned because a few people have gotten the idea that one or both of you—and sometimes in rare cases neither of you—have all the wonderful things that make people think 'wow, these two need to get it on.' I am here to get you two to do naughty things to each other.” 

Tums beamed brightly.

Abbie and Crane shared a look, both arched a curious eyebrow. “Want me to take over driving?” Abbie asked. “It's still about two hours. I got in a short nap and you look exhausted.”

“Really? You're just going to ignore me?” Tums groused.

“That sounds delightful.”

“The swapping drivers or ignoring me?” Tums asked. The two Witnesses moved to the opposite side of the vehicle from which they came. “Obviously it's the ignoring me option.” She stamped her foot. “You two have no idea what I am capable of! I will _not_ be ignored!” When they got back into the SUV she put her hands on the hood and gave Abbie the biggest sad eyes Crane had ever seen. “You wouldn't run over a little girl would you?”

The pint sized Witness smirked, put the SUV into gear, then revved the engine. Tums shrieked and leapt out of the way. As soon as Tums was out of the way, Abbie pulled into traffic and put her foot to the gas so as to also put as much room between them and the faery.

  
#  


Abbie came out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Crane was still fruitlessly tugging on the little metal handle to pull out the foldaway bed. After a couple more tugs, the handle snapped off. He went staggering backwards and fell onto the bed. She fought back a laugh at the perplexed look on his face at suddenly being flat on his back staring at the ceiling.

“She did say she could make things very difficult,” Abbie pointed out.

Crane looked toward her then abruptly sat up straight, hands in his lap. He sprang up from the bed and quickly found something interesting to do that involved his back being turned toward her. Such as, organizing the luggage. 

“Sorry,” Abbie apologized. “I thought we were going to be in separate rooms... because of your 'propriety' and all... so I kinda didn't pack anything to sleep in.”

His head whipped to his bag and he scurried over to fish a tidily rolled bit of fabric from it. Keeping his eyes averted, Crane moved toward Abbie, holding it out in offering. “I packed an extra change of clothing when Miss Jenny mentioned certain festivities might lead to pie drippings soiling one's shirts.” He quickly returned to his bag and started pulling out his own sleepwear and bathing supplies.

Abbie unrolled the shirt and smiled before slipping it over her head. It wasn't what she had in mind but it would work. Once she had tugged it down in all the right places she reached in and removed her towel. “Okay, it's safe for you to go wash the sand out of _your_ hair now.”

He turned. “Tha--” His voice dropped off suddenly as his eyes roamed down the vision of her tiny form engulfed in his shirt. He cleared his throat. “Thank Heavens,” he managed, his voice pitching slightly at the end. He pointed toward the bathroom. “I shall just...”

Crane swept around her and scampered into the bathroom, shutting the door just a little too loudly. Abbie shook her head as she heard the door lock. “You know what he's going to be doing in there, right?” the bemused voice of the faery intoned.

Abbie smirked and turned to face the pint-sized pixie. “You think you're _so_ smart, don't you?” Abbie asked, folding her arms over her chest.

The faery cocked an eyebrow and mirrored Abbie's pose. “Well, I got the two of you in a room together didn't I? Oh, and let's not forget... You two will have to share a bed too.” She hmphed with the kind of cockiness born of outsmarting someone.

“Okay, I will give you the fold away bed... even though those things are dodgy at best when it comes to pulling them out anyway,” Abbie replied smugly. “But do you really think someone on a limited budget, such as myself, would pay full price for two damn rooms? Especially when the suite, with two beds, is only ten bucks more than _one_ room?”

Tums gawked and gasped. “You planned the room mix up?”

“Look, I knew he would insist on propriety and all that other stuff,” Abbie said. “Which is why I _told_ him it would be two rooms. I figured, after a little bit of--” She gave a stern look and mimicked Crane's trademark twitchy hands. “--I could get him to be fine with the fact there was two beds.”

“But... but... the other hotels?”

“Who made those calls?” Abbie interrupted. “That's right, _me_.”

Abbie picked up a binder labelled 'guest services' and thumbed through the section that featured restaurants in the area, many of which would deliver.

Tums narrowed her eyes. “Wait a second. If you planned on having just one room... why didn't you bring something to sleep in?”

“Accidents happen.” Abbie picked up her phone, a sneaky smile on her face as she dialled the number for the local thai place. Tums gawked once again.

  
#  


_Earlier..._

They had barely gotten back on the road when a small, curl haloed head popped up between them from the back seat with a cheery, “So where are we going?”

Abbie had screamed out obscenities. Crane had balked out “Good Lord!” All the while Abbie was trying to contain the swervage of the SUV from having the piss scared out of her.

“Are you _sure_ you're not trying to kill us?” Abbie asked as soon as she was driving straight again.

Tums nodded. “I'm sure.”

“How did you get in here?” Crane asked. He knew for a fact they had abandoned the forsaken little faery just outside of Pueblo.

“Once I introduce myself, it's hard to get rid of me,” Tums chimed. “So where are we heading? And don't say the mountains or I will fuck you up. Because that much is obvious.”

“Monarch Mountain, Colorado,” Abbie replied. “I had two weeks worth of vacation, so we're putting it to good use. Skiing in the Rockies.”

“Oooh,” Tums hummed. “Nice and cold, too. Perfect for getting cosy. It'd be a shame if you two got caught outdoors in the cold and had to strip down to share each other's body warmth.”

“That seems needlessly dangerous,” Crane retorted. 

Tums sighed heavily and rolled her eyes. “I would make sure you were out of the elements. I'm not a complete douchebag. Although, I _do_ have a cousin that is perfectly willing to skirt the edges of decency.” She was quiet a moment. “And sometimes completely disregard it.”

“Don't even think about it,” Abbie groused.

“I wasn't gonna,” Tums huffed. “Besides, I won't get my Level 2 certification if I have help.”

Crane turned in his seat and looked at the faery with uncertainty. “Certification?”

Tums nodded enthusiastically. “It's kinda like Girl Scouts. At a certain point we have to make sure we have enough awards to go up to the next level. I already have all my team project badges so I have to get the rest solo. I have two badges left to get my Level 2. And seriously, you two are easy. You're both already prepared to rip each other's clothes off if the other gives the tiniest indication.”

Both Crane and Abbie choked. “I beg your pardon?!” Crane yelped at the same time Abbie exclaimed, “We are _not_!” Both did their best to hide the blushes that threatened to over take their faces. Thankfully the light in the vehicle was growing dim enough that neither had a problem doing so.

“If you say so,” Tums said wryly. “All I know is that I need either a bed-share or stuck in the cold and have to get naked to share body heat to earn my badge. Since you two, apparently, don't like the idea being butt-naked in the cold... Guess which one you guys get?” She grinned happily. “See? I can be nice.”

“I am afraid your endeavour will be unsuccessful, Miss Tums,” Crane said gently. “The Lieutenant and I are room mates, yes. We are friends and partners as Witnesses. However...” His tone suddenly dipped with a slight tone of disappointment. He fidgeted in his seat and grasped the material of his trousers to keep his fingers from following suit. “We are disinterested in making our partnership one of a romantic or carnal nature.”

“Yeah, what he said,” Abbie said quietly.

They cast a quick glance in each other's direction before looking away. Tums stared straight ahead, unblinking. She shook her head gently, “Can you guys believe these two idiots?”

Abbie looked at the faery with uncertainty. “Who the hell are you talking to?”

“The readers.”

“The what?” Crane asked.

Tums shook her head to clear it. “Nothing,” she said quickly. Suddenly she held her hands over both of their heads and dropped a handful of pale sand-like granules on their heads. Abbie cringed as it went down the back of her shirt. “Sprinkle, sprinkle mother fuckers.”

“What... the... _hell_ ,” Abbie shrieked, shaking it out of her hair “Did you... did you just douse us with faery dust?”

“Since we will not bend to your demands willingly you decide to use magic to make us give into these... unfounded desires?” Crane gawked, brushing the dust off of himself as well.

Tums bit her bottom lip. “Do you think it is?” she asked cheekily. “If I tell you it is, will it make you guys get down and dirty?”

“No!” both responded just below a shout.

Tums' face fell and she sighed. “Fine... It's just sand. They took away my faery dust. Supposedly, splicing it into the genetic material of rabbits is an—” she made little quite marks with her fingers “--inappropriate use of magic.” She leaned forward a little. “By the way, if you guys ever get word of a cute little bunny that, when it bites, makes you what to have sex... let me know, okay? I didn't have time to work out all the kinks before the little shit went missing from my lab and so it might be _slightly_ dangerous.” She looked straight ahead. “And yes, in this case, 'kinks' is a double entendre.”

Abbie rolled her eyes and shook her head. 

“What?” Tums asked. “My little smut bunny is a vicious little rabid creature and should only be handled by professionals.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you're obnoxious?” Abbie asked.

“I prefer the term 'persistent',” Tums replied. “And trust me, I will not leave you alone until I get what I want.”

  
#  


“See, this is why I was insistent that I be the one to take the sofa,” Abbie said as she watched Crane try to get comfortable on the tiny piece of furniture. She sat up and sighed heavily. “Look, just let me sleep on the sofa, you take the bed. In the morning I can see about getting a roll away bed, since the fold out is out of commission.”

Crane grumbled under his breath and curled his long legs toward his chest, trying to wedge himself into a comfortable position. “A gentleman always--”

“Blah blah blah,” Abbie sighed. “Enough of this chivalrous crap. If you can't get comfortable, I won't be able to sleep either. And if I go without sleep, that means you broke your scared code of being a gentleman by putting your pride before the needs of the lady.”

“Or, since you're gonna be breaking your gentleman code anyway,” Tums piped in from her seat on the kitchette counter. She idly swung her feet and studied her fingernails. “You could just go all in and just _share_ the bed.”

“Shut up Tums,” they both snapped.

“Why are you still here anyway?” Abbie asked, clicking on the light. “I thought you wanted us to 'get down and dirty'. We wouldn't be able to with you lurking in the corner giving commentary.” The faery suddenly looked hopeful. “ _Not_ that it would happen even if you wasn't in here.”

Tums sighed. “Fine. I know where I'm not wanted.”

“Good,” Crane grumbled.

“Just remember...” Tums said. “I am always around. You may think you have outsmarted me and beat me into submission... but when you least expect it—and most likely at the most inappropriate moment—I will remind you that I exist.”

The faery disappeared in a wisp of smoke. Both Abbie and Crane lay in their respective places for a long moment before Abbie broke the silence. “She has a point, we could just share the bed. I mean, I doubt I would be able to get comfortable on the sofa either and I really want to get at least a little sleep before hitting the slopes in the morning.”

Crane sighed in defeat and sat up, tugging his shirt down to cover his knees. Abbie gave him a cheeky grin and leaned over to pat on the far side of the king size bed.

  
#  


_Earlier..._

“Don't forget condoms.”

Abbie held her breath for a long moment before sighing heavily. She looked down at Tums. For a moment she wondered if anyone else could see the irritating pixie or if they just saw a little girl with a fixation with wearing faery wings. “I don't need condoms, Tums,” Abbie said quietly.

“Why not? When used in addition to birth control, you're less likely to get pregnant. Not to mention, do you have any idea how many of those colonial people unknowingly ran around with STDs,” Tums pointed out.

“Don't need them because we're not going to be having sex,” Abbie replied. “Besides, he's had a full check up on _everything_. He's had all his shots, has no diseases, in fact, I was in the room when the nurse asked him all those uncomfortable questions about his sex life. It was _hilarious_.” 

She bit back a smile as she remembered how squirmy and red faced Crane had gotten and the moment he regretted taking her up on the offer of going in the exam room with him. All that had been before the doctor came in to do the actual check up—which she'd had to step out of before laughing her ass off.

“It's better to be prepared,” Tums pointed out, then dropped a bulk size, gold cardboard box into Abbie's basket. Abbie looked at the faery as she picked the box up. She looked at Tums with an arched eyebrow. Tums winked and nodded. 

Abbie put the box back on the shelf. “There's nothing to be prepared for.”

“Oh come on, tell you wouldn't jump that shining specimen of manliness if he gave you the smallest hint that he was interested,” Tums said, nodding down the aisle.

Abbie looked in the direction Tums had indicated. She snorted at the sight of Crane, not only wearing one of those weird hats with ear laps, but curiously eyeing a battery operated back massager shaped like a hand. He turned it over carefully, studying it, before cradling it in one of his hands and poking at the button cautiously.

Crane startled and the massager flew back onto the shelf with a loud clatter. He held his arms stiffly at his sides, his hands and fingers twisting and flinching as he looked around to make sure no one had seen what just happened. He blushed lightly when he saw that, of all people, Abbie had seen him. His eyes fell to Tums and he glared at the faery.

“By the way, I told him you have one of those at home in your drawer,” Tums pointed out, looking up at Abbie. Abbie gave the pixie a sidelong glare, knowing good and damn well she didn't have one. “I also may have said you _don't_ use it to massage your back.”

“You little...” Abbie ground out. Before she could continue Tums disappeared in a wisp of smoke.

  
#  


“In my day they would have a lady and a gentleman place a board between them if they wished to share a bed prior to marriage,” Crane commented. “It was to assure that neither party would... become tempted to consummate their relationship prior to presenting themselves as husband and wife...”

Abbie huddled around her pillows a little tighter. “Mmhmm... Want me to go ask the front desk if they have a wood plank? Or do you want to go?”

Crane stammered a moment. “I... we... You have nothing to worry about Lieutenant, I am a man of virtue and will not attempt to... have my way with you.”

“Then shut up and let me go to sleep,” Abbie grumbled.

  
#  


_Earlier..._

“Psst.”

Crane froze and slowly turned toward the noise that had caught his attention. He let out an exasperated sigh when he saw the source was the irritating little faery. Honestly, he couldn't even go retrieve ice without being pestered by the little creature. “What do you want?” he groaned, putting the little bucket under the spout.

He frowned when ice did not come out. Tums reached up and pushed a black button on the front of the machine. “What do you think I want?” she asked darkly as the machine filled the little bucket with ice.

When she released the button, Crane retrieved the bucket. “Listen, you little scoundrel... Your attentions should be tempered elsewhere. The Lieutenant and I are _friends_. As such it would be grievously unwise to seek something more. She has made it abundantly clear, time and again, such would be most unwelcome.”

“Dude,” Tums hmphed. “It's been three years, minimum, since you've gotten laid. You can't tell me you haven't thought about it.”

“Who is to say I have?” Crane huffed. 

Tums looked him over. “In case you're either blind or stupid, Abbie is gorgeous. And all middle aged white dudes in a lead-ish capacity on TV are straight.”

Crane scoffed. “What does that even mean?”

Tums shrugged. “It means TV writers aren't as creative as they think they are. I mean, for them writing a gay character it's like... 'Oh they have to be hyper sexual and/or flaming... and a secondary character and they have to die' which is almost as creative and original as killing off the black female lead on a show for dramatic effect.”

Crane blinked at Tums. “I... have no idea what you are talking about.”

She beamed and clapped her hands together. “Oh look at you having all the makings of a head writer!” She cleared her throat. “Anyway... Look, the only reason _she_ is acting disinterested is because she thinks _you're_ not interested. And _you're_ acting disinterested because you think _she's_ not interested. It's a vicious cycle that needs to come to a stop. Immediately.”

He stood there quiet for a moment. “Perhaps it would be wise for you to seek out another pair for badge winning. I assure you, you shall only be sorely disappointed should you continue to focus on myself and the Lieutenant.”

Tums groaned in frustration. “Really? You're really going to cling to the whole 'quietly pining' thing? _Really_? When there is a beautiful ethereal goddess in the sharing a room with you that would love to take a ride on your lap?”

Crane sputtered, his eyes widening. “There is no call to be so crass.”

He quickly made his way back to the room. Tums grasped two handfuls of her hair. “Urgh... why do these two want to be so difficult!”

  
#  


Abbie laid awake surrounded by warmth which combatted the mountain chill perfectly. After a moment, she closed her eyes and smiled, enjoying Crane's breath on the back of her neck. His face was tucked as close as one could get to her hair whilst she was wearing her scarf.

She even remembered how they ended up cuddled up together in the first place so it hadn't really been much of a shock to wake up to.

“Aww,” a soft voice whispered.

Abbie cracked open one eye and glared at Tums. That little faery made her want to eat a pound of antacids. She wasn't entirely sure if it was because of her name or if the little pixie stressed her out enough to actually gave her heart burn. “Go away,” Abbie hissed.

The faery couldn't see it but, underneath the covers, Crane had a handful of Abbie's breast—which that had actually been a surprise to wake up to, but apparently her shifting around in her sleep had caused one to sneak out of the deep v of the shirt she was sleeping in. But, she hadn't exactly felt compelled to move his hand or wake him up to get him to move it himself.

Tums gazed at them adoringly. “I love this trope. It's one of my favourites.”

Crane muttered in his sleep and rolled over to face the other way. Tums pouted lightly, Abbie glared and pulled the neckline of the shirt into proper position before sitting up and pointing her finger in the faery's face. “Listen here you little shit,” Abbie groused at a whisper. “It's not happening so get over it. We were getting on fine before you came along to butt in.”

“Were you? Really?” Tums asked. “So tell me, how'd you defeat Pandora? Hmm? How are you even here right now?” 

Abbie blinked at the faery. “I don't have to answer your ridiculous questions that make absolutely no sense,” she scoffed. “But if you must know... we...” She paused and realized she had absolutely no idea of how they had beat Pandora. It was almost as if it had been completely erased from her memory. Like it never existed.

“Behold the power of fandom,” Tums intoned, holding her arms out like a televangelist. 

“Go away you wretched faery,” Crane grumbled with his face pressed into his pillow. He lifted his head. “Lieutenant, I believe a call to your sister is in order. I know there must be a book or spell located within the Archives which may help rid us of this foul beast.”

“ _Hey_ ,” Tums whimpered. “I have feelings you know. I am _not_ a foul beast, thank you very much. I may be irritating. I may be obnoxious. But, you know what, I make people happy! Which is a lot more than I can say about _you_!”

The faery disappeared in a puff of glitter.

  
#  


Jenny hadn't been much help. She just laughed at their predicament until Abbie hung up her phone. Jenny had then sent about twenty texts, a mix of promising to look through the books, asking if the faery was still trying to get them to get it on, and a wall of laughing emogiis.

“You know, it's weird how you have cell phone service in the mountains,” Tums commented. 

Abbie sighed. “One bar is more than enough to contact my sister to find out how to get rid of you.”

Tums smile serenely. “Oh, my dear Abbie... there is no getting rid of me so long as the Authors exist. Their numbers are few but they are strong. And they are resilient. And even when all seems lost and that nothing but death and destruction remains... there will be a few who stand upon the battlefield and they will loudly proclaim...” She stood on the table and proudly displayed dual middle fingers to the ceiling. “'Fuck canon!'” 

“You know, that was almost a beautiful speech,” Abbie said. She pulled out her phone and tapped out a message to Jenny. _She mentioned something called 'the authors'._

Tums' eyes widened and she grinned wickedly. “I think I know what I need to do... I didn't want to resort to it because it is truly the strongest force to reckon with...”

“And what would _that_ be?”

Fire seemed to glow in Tums' eyes. “I'm gonna build me a head canon.”

  
#  


If Abbie had learned anything in the past couple of days it was that if Tums was sitting alone and being quiet, it wasn't a good thing. Although the faery _seemed_ to only be sitting in the snow building a snowman, Abbie had no doubt the snowman would some how play into future events. So, she stomped across to the faery and put her fists on her hips. The nefarious pixie was also humming contentedly.

Upon closer observation, she was surrounded by metal balls that seemed to be wearing tiny wigs.

“What are you doing?” Abbie asked.

“I'm building a headcanon,” Tums said sweetly as she piled up some snow and packed it down. “I should have it up and running soon.”

Abbie closed her eyes and shook her head. It was nowhere near as threatening as she had thought it would be. “Somehow I doubt it will work. You're using snow.”

The faery grinned up at Abbie. “You'd be surprised what a functional headcanon can be built out of.”

“What are those?” Abbie asked, indicating the toupee'd metal balls.

“Canon-balls,” Tums looked up at her again. She picked up one of the balls. “This contains stuff about you.” She set the first one down and picked up another one. “This one is Ichabod.” She picked one up that was barely the size of a marble with a tiny red wig. “This is Katrina... it's mostly small and seemingly insignificant but it's there...” 

Tums stood and pitched the tiny ball at Ichabod, whom had his back turned and was distracted by a tiny bunny peering out of a bush. The ball pegged him in the back of the head, sending him face first into the snow and scaring off the bunny. Ichabod rolled over, sat up, and looked around confused.

“But,” Tums added. “It causes enough pain to confound him.”

Ichabod picked up the tiny metal ball and clamoured to his feet. He stomped over, shaking it in Tums' direction. “What exactly is this?” He blinked in confusion at something behind Tums. “And what is that?”

Abbie looked toward the little snow cannon Tums had been building. She jumped back in surprise. “What the hell?!”

The snow had been transformed into a massive icy cannon, gleaming in the winter sunlight. Tums turned to look then beamed at them. “Yeah... after a while head canons just sort of build themselves.” Tums took the ball from Ichabod then picked up the others to load them into the barrel of the cannon. “I think it turned out quite nice.”

“What exactly do you presume to do with this... head canon?” Ichabod asked, looking at Abbie questioningly to confirm if that was in fact what Tums had called it. 

“Um... launching the canon-balls at the blank space and see if I can set off an emotional avalanche. Duh,” Tums replied as she lit the fuse. She plugged her ears. “FIRE IN THE HOLE!”

Abbie and Crane barely had time to cover their ears before the cannon let out a mighty _boom_ sending the metal balls hurling toward the side of the snow covered mountain. Well, except for the small one which just sort of dropped out of the cannon uselessly and disappeared into the snow.

There was absolute silence followed by the sound of birds frantically cawing as they took flight. The ground rumbled. Snow began to fall away from the mountainside. Abbie and Crane slowly looked toward the wall of snow crumbling away. Abbie looked back at Tums sharply. “What have you done?!”

Tums cackled maniacally. “The feels are coming... and I'm taking everyone with me!” She pointed to something in the distance. “Oh look, a conveniently located abandoned cabin where you can seek shelter. And it's mostly likely just out of reach of the avalanche. And adequately stocked with enough supplies to last 'til morning.”

Abbie would have jumped the damn faery if Crane hadn't picked her up, put her over his shoulder, and hauled ass for the cabin in question. They reached it just as the avalanche overwhelmed Tums and she disappeared in the midst of the resulting carnage.

But, somehow, Abbie didn't think they had seen the last of the annoying faery.


End file.
